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:D
An elderly, hard of hearing man, along with his wife, visit his Doctor to check on his prostate problem. The Doctor says "I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample."
T he old man cups his ear and asks "Ehhh?"
T he Doctor repeats louder, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample."
T he old man cups his ear and again asks "Ehhh?"
S o the wife tiptoes and yells into her husband's ear "Honey, the Doctor says he needs your shorts."
Q: What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
T he little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
T hirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
T wo elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. The first lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
T he second lady replies, "Oh sure I do."
T he first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
T he second replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
A fter a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
T hree men were discussing aging at the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
" Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"
" Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
" Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
" No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
" Do you have trouble crapping?"
" No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
W ith great exasperation, the 60-year-old asked, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
" I don't wake up until 7:00."
A n old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
" Yes, I know," said the lady, "but I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
" But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
T he woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
T wo elderly women were out driving in a large car and they were barely able to see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
A fter a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was pretty sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.
A t the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
M ildred turned to her and said, "Oh shit! Am I driving?"
A s a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"
" It's not just one car," said Herman. "Hell, it's hundreds of them!"
T wo elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when Mildred looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
H er friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
M ildred, an 87-year-old woman, came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.
W hen brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself.
" Well, your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could fuck, he could fly!"
Q : What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A : Nudity.
A n elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
T he other man asked, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
T he first man knitted his brow in obvious concentration, and finally asked his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?
H is friend replied, "A Carnation??"
" No. No. The other one" the man says.
H is friend offered another suggestion, "The Poppy?"
" Nahhhh, growled the man. You know the one that is red and has thorns."
H is friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"
" Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says. He then turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
T wo elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and asked, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
M abel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
T hree sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?"
T he 94 year-old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
T he 92 year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
ANAGRAMS
The word "dormitory" is an anagram for "dirty room." Mahalo to KONG Radio
"Dan Quayle" is an anagram for "Mr. Potatoe Head."
How can the letters in "new door" be rearranged to spell one word?
Desperation = A Rope Ends It.
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler.
President Clinton of the USA = To copulate he finds interns.
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em.
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's.
A Decimal Point = I'm a dot in place.
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake.
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one.
Contradiction = Accord not in it.
Bedroom=Boredom
Evangelist=Evil's Agent.
George Bush=He bugs Gore.
Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
New York Times=Monkeys write.
ANIMAL CRACKERS
Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pitbull.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
A: Still no idea.
Q: What do you call two deer with no eyes or legs?
A: F*cking still no idea.
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.
Q: Where do you get virgin wool from?
A: Ugly sheep.
Q: What do you call a cow with 2 left legs?
A: Lean Beef.
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground Beef.
- This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Clint (short for Clinton). He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
W ell, Clint the rooster is expensive, but the farmer decides he's worth it. So he buys Clint. The farmer takes Clint home and sets him down in the barnyard. Giving the rooster a pep talk, "Clint, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer says with a chuckle. Clint seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Clint takes off like a shot.
W HAM! He nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times, and the farmer is just shocked. Clint runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake, and WHAM! He gets all the geese. Clint's up in the pigpen, he's in with the cows. Clint is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
T he farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Clint stiff as a doornail, stone cold, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Clint, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
C lint opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer...."
- Mickey and Minnie Mouse were having marital difficulties. In court, the Judge asked Mickey to explain the problem and why the court should grant Mickey a divorce from the sweet Minnie. Mickey said, "Oh, no Judge, I couldn't talk about it out loud." So the Judge said Mickey could whisper it in the Judge's ear.
A fter Mickey did so, the Judge said just because Minnie was a little crazy was not grounds enough for a divorce. Mickey quickly yelled out, "Your Honor, I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy."
Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
A: Because they can.
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
F inally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
T he farmer said, "Having some problems with them there circle flies, are ya?"
T he trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-"Well yeah, if that's what they are --- I never heard of circle flies. "
S o the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
T he trooper says, "Oh, " and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey . . . wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass? "
T he farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
T he trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing, " and goes back to writing the ticket.
T hen, after a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though. "
T he cattle farmer always makes two trips to the stockyard per week, his wife never goes until today. Today he's in search for a new bull. As they start down the first row of bulls a sign on the first pen says "This bull mated 35 times last year."
T he wife says, "look honey that's good?" The farmer says, "that's nothin".
T he next pen's sign says "This bull mated 148 times last year." The wife says, " I know that's good! " The farmer says, "oh, 'bout average,,, I need the best."
T he last pen has a huge bull and the sign says "This bull mated 339 times last year" The wife says "Oh, look honey that's what I need from you! The farmer says, "sure baby I understand all that, but there is one thing the sign didn't say."
S he asks, "Whats that?"
" It didn't say it was 339 times with the same COW!"
Q: What has four legs and no ears?
A: Mike Tyson's dog.
Q: What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
A: Dam.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.
A n elephant is drinking at a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
" Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.
" Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."
" Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.
" Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
" What do they say?" the priest inquired.
" They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
" That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
T he next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
O ne male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
T wo fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking. The other flea asks him, " Why are you shaking so badly?"
T he first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."
T he other flea says, " That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where its warm and cozy. Its the best way to travel that I can think of." The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next summer.
A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again. The second flea asks, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
" Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."
M rs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Bull Dog, he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
W hen the repair man arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business. The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling.
F inally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird !"
T o which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
T he mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
T he baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is.... MOLASSES!"
A man bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
" Well, then, just give me my money back."
" Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
" OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
" What ya gonna do with him?"
" I'm going to raffle him off."
" You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
" Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the man and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
" I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
" Didn't anyone complain?"
" Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
BA-BA-BABOOZE
Q: What did the babooze do with the gold medal he won at the Olympics?
A: He had it bronzed.
Q: How do you make a babooze laugh on Monday morning?
A: Tell him a joke on Friday night.
Q: How do babooze brain cells die?
A: Alone.
Q: What do you call 15 baboozes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A babooze electrician.
Q: How do you get a one-armed babooze out of a tree?
A: Wave at him.
Q: What do you call a female babooze with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
A Hawaiian, a Japanese, and a Babooze were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a Waikiki building. One day as they were eating lunch, the Hawaiian said, "Fish and poi! If get fish and poi one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Japanese man opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Rice and takuan again! If I get rice and takuan one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The Babooze opened his lunch and said, "Baloney sandwich again. If I get baloney sandwich one more time I'm jumping off also!"
T he next day the Hawaiian opens his lunchbox, sees the fish and poi and jumps to his death. The Japanese opens his lunch, sees rice and takuan and jumps too. The Babooze opens his lunch, sees the baloney sandwich and jumps to his death also.
A t the funeral, the Hawaiian man's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of fish and poi I never would have made it for him again!" The Japanese man's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him teriyaki or tempura!" I didn't realize he hated rice and takuan so much."
E veryone turned and stared at the Babooze's's wife. "Hey, no look at me!" she said. "Da bugga makes his own lunch!"
A Babooze walks into a store and asks if they have portuguese sausage. The sales clerk says no, and asks the Babooze if he is portuguese.
T he Babooze is offended and says "just because I asked for portuguese sausage doesn't mean I'm portuguese. If I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish? If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask if I was Italian?"
T he sales clerk says "no, I asked if you were Portuguese because this is a hardware store."
Q: Why did the Babooze businessman sit in a tree all day long?
A: He wanted to become a branch manager.
There were three guys dining with their wives, a Chinese, a Japanese, and a Babooze. During dinner the Chinese man said to his wife, "Pass the sugar, Sugar."
Proudly she did so, while the other wives looked enviously. Later, the Japanese man said to his wife, "Pass the honey, Honey." She too was proud of the gesture.
T rying to outdo the other men, the Babooze thought for a moment and suddenly looked to his wife and said, "Pass the Kalua, Pig."
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says,"Wanna hear a Babooze joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6 feet tall - 200 lbs, and I am a Babooze. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall - weighs 225, and he's a Babooze. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall - weighs 250, and he's also a Babooze. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
T he first guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."
Portugal's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seated Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in Central Portugal.
P ortuguese search and rescue workers have recovered 315 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
T hen the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
T hen the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
" No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"
Babooze Medical Dictionary
artery..............The study of paintings.
bacteria............Back door of a cafeteria.
barium..............What doctors do when a patient dies.
bowel...............A letter like a,e,i,o,u.
cat scan............Looking for a kitty.
cauterize...........Made eye contact with her.
fester..............Quicker.
fibula..............A small lie.
hangnail............Coat hook.
impotent............Distinguished, well known.
labor pain..........Getting hurt at work.
node................Was aware of.
outpatient..........A person who has fainted.
rectum..............Damn near killed 'em.
secretion...........To hide something.
terminal illness....Getting sick at the airport.
ultrasound..........Very good music.
varicose............Nearby.
vein................Conceited.
T wo robbers broke into a bank shortly after midnight and were surprised to see hundreds of small safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. "At least we'll have a bit to eat," they said. The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.
T he process continued until all the safes were opened. They found no cash or valuables. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
L ater that day, the headline of the evening edition of the local newspaper read:
P ORTUGAL'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.
A babooze, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire himself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
H e went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for him to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
T he babooze said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told him that the paint and ladders that he might need were in the garage.
T he man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does he realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
T he man replied, "He should. He was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the babooze came to the door to collect his money.
" You're finished already?" the man asked.
" Yes," the babooze answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
I mpressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
" And by the way," the babooze added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
T hese two guys are sitting at a bar and one says "hey, you look familiar, are you from Palolo?" And the other guy answers "yeah, I'm from Palolo, and you look familiar too. Did you grad in '67?" "Yes," he answers, and they continue on.
S oon, a regular walks into the bar and asks the bartender "Hey, what's going on?"
A nd the bartender answers "the same old thing, the Machado twins are drunk again."
A babooze decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
I t gallops at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the babooze begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway.
T he horse gallops along seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider. Finally, giving up his frail grip, the babooze attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot becomes entangled in the stirrup. He is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over.
A s his head is battered against the ground, he is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune, Bill, the Wal-Mart greeter sees him and unplugs the horse.
T his guy walks into this doctor office and says "I would like a new brain." The doc looks at him and says "I got three brains on the wall to choose from."
T he guy says, "How much is the first one?" The doc says, "That's a lawyer's brain that is $200,000." The guy says, "I don't like lawyers."
T he doc says, "The second one I have is a doctor's brain that is $100,000." The guy says, "Doctor's brains have too much stress."
T he guy asks, "What is the third brain in the glass case?" The doc says, "That's a babooze's brain that costs $100,000,000."
T he guy asks, "WOW! How come it's so expensive?"
T he doc says, "It hasn't been used, it's still fresh."
O nce had one Hawaiian, Japanese and Babooze who stood in front of a magic mirror which sucked in anyone who told a lie. The Hawaiian walked up to da mirror and said, "I think I da greatest surfer in da world."
* POOF* He gets sucked in!
T hen, the Japanese go, I thinku I amu za greatesto karate fightaa."
* POOF* He gets sucked in!
F inally, da Babooze hego, "I think..."
* POOF* He gets sucked in!
A Babooze and his friend were watching Monday Night Football together. The friend said “I’ll bet you ten dollars the quarterback throws an interception on the next play.”
T he Babooze says “You’re on!”
S ure enough, on the very next play, the quarterback throws an interception.
Shate!” says the Babooze, and hands his friend a ten dollar bill.
I cannot take your money," says the friend. “I listened to this football game earlier this afternoon on the radio.”
So did I," said the Babooze, “But I nevah thought he would be stupid enough to do it again!”
Q: Why did the Babooze eat Portuguese Bean Soup for dinner on Friday night?
A: So he could take a bubble bath on Saturday morning.
Q: Why did the Babooze use an electric lawn mower?
A: So he could find his way back to the house.
Q: What do you find inside a Babooze's nose?
A: Fingerprints.
Q: Why does a Babooze use a hat when he goes to the bathroom?
A: So he knows which end to wipe.
Q: What are the 5 most difficult years for a Babooze's child?
A: Second Grade.
Q: What happens when two bald Babooze's put their heads together?
A: They make an ass of themselves.
Q: Why was the Babooze staring at the orange juice container?
A: It said "Concentrate."
Q: How does a Babooze remember to put on his underwear?
A: Yellow in the front, brown in the back.
A Babooze was bragging about his knowledge of state capitals. He proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." His friend asks, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
T he Babooze replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
R eturning home from work, a Babooze was shocked to find his house ransacked and burglarized. He telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
A s the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the Babooze ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting his face in his hands, he moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Q: Why did the Babooze sit in the first row of the theater?
A: He wanted to be the first to see the movie.
T hree men were sentenced to execution by guillotine. The executioner asked the first man if he would like to face up or down.
T he man said "face down, that blade looks scary." So the executioner pulls the rope, and the blade stucks half-way down. The first man is set free due to equipment failure.
T he second man is asked the same thing and he says "face down, I'm afraid of knives." So the executioner pulls the rope, and again the blade stucks half-way down. The second man is also set free due to equipment failure.
T he third man, a Babooze says "put me face up, I'm not afraid."
J ust before the executioner can pull the rope, the Babooze says "wait, wait, wait, I see the problem."
T he babooze reported for his University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the test for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration gets a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
H owever, during the last few minutes, he desperately tosses the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
" I finished the exam in half and hour" he says, "but I forgot to check my answers."
A babooze went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," he told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to Baboozes," he replied.
T he babooze hurried home and put black shoe polish on his face thinking he could disguise himself as a black guy, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV." Again the salesman refuses. "Darn, he recognized me," he thought.
H e went for a different disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few months so his mustache would grow, then he again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Baboozes," he replied. Frustrated, he asked, "How do you know I'm a Babooze?
" Because," the salesman replied, "that's a microwave."
T wo babooze construction workers were working on a house. One babooze was on a ladder nailing. He'd reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other babooze couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
T he first babooze explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
T he second babooze yelled, "You lolo, don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!"
Q: What does a babooze and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: How do you amuse a babooze for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper and give it to him.
Q: Why is it good to have a babooze passenger?
A: So you can park in the handicap stall.
A babooze with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
" Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
" The jerk called back!"
A babooze walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I hurt all over." The doctor says, "That's impossible!"
T he babooze explains, "When I touch my arm, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch, it hurts."
T he doctor just shakes his head and asks, "You're a Babooze, aren't you?"
T he man smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
T he doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."
A haole, chinese, and a babooze, all first time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.
" Is it yours?" she asks the haole. "Certainly not," he retorts. "Yours?" she asks the chinese, who vigorously denies paternity. "How about you?" she asks the Babooze.
" Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."
T his Babooze was in Las Vegas on his first gambling trip and was really excited. He told his friends he would be gambling all day and would meet them for dinner at 6 o'clock. The time came and went, and the Babooze never showed up. At around 7:30, he rushed into the restaurant and told his friends, "sorry I'm late but I found this machine at the far end of the casino and I kept winning."
H is friends asked him what kind of machine it was. The Babooze said, "I don't know, but every time I put a dollar in the machine, four quarters came out, I couldn't lose."
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in Palolo. He's going through his usual run of stupid babooze jokes, when a large Babooze in the fourth row stands on his chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating Babooze jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype Baboozes that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.
" It's guys like you who keep people like me from being respected at work and in my community," he continued, "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only Baboozes but people at large... all in the name of humor."
F lustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the Babooze interrupts, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
Q: What do you call a Babooze in the closet?
A: The 1989 hide and go seek champion.
Q: Why did the Babooze return the AM radio?
A: He wanted to listen at night.
Q: What do you call a babooze behind a steering wheel?
A: An airbag.
Q: What do you say to a Babooze sitting down in a three-piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.
T here was a Haole, an Asian, and a Babooze on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
To be shot.
To be hung.
Or to be injected with the A.I.D.S. virus.
S o the Haole said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly).
T hen the Asian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead).
T hen the Babooze said, "Give me some of the AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Babooze fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
T hen the Babooze said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now the Babooze was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
S o finally the warden asked, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
A nd the Babooze laughed, "You guys soooooooo stupid.....I stay wearing protection."
O ne day Manuel comes home from school yelling, "Daddy! Daddy! Today at school we had to say our ABC's and I was the only one in my class who knew them all! The teacher said I did really good!"
" Well that's great, son," his father replied "I'm very proud of you!"
T he next day Manuel again is very excited "Daddy! Daddy!" he yells "Today at school we had to name all of the colors in class and I got them all right! The teacher said I did very good!"
A nd his father replied "Well that's great, son, I'm very proud of you!"
T he next day Manuel came running home from school yelling "Daddy! Daddy! Today in school after gym class, we were in the shower and I had the biggest penis!"
" Well son," his father replied "that's because you're 18!"
A babooze was on the first hole of a very busy golf course, beginning his pre-shot routine and visualizing the upcoming shot when a loud voice came over the clubhouse speaker: "WILL DA BABOOZE ON DA FIRST HOLE NO HIT FROM DA WOMAN'S TEE AND BACK UP TO DA MEN'S TEE?"
T he startled Babooze could feel every eye on the course and in the clubhouse looking at him. However, still deep in concentration, he continued his pre-shot routine, ignoring the embarassing interruption.
T he Loudspeaker from the clubhouse resounded again: "WOULD DA BABOOZE WHO STAY AT DA FIRST HOLE GO MAKE DA SHOT FROM DA KANE TEE AND NOT DA WAHINE TEE, PLEASE?"
T he Babooze ignored the still echoing clubhouse plea and kept concentrating on his shot when the voice loudly barked out: "EH, DA BABOOZE ON DA FIRST HOLE, NO HIT DA BALL OFF DA WAHINE TEE LIKE A MAHU AND GO HIT DA BALL OFF DA KANE TEE WHICH IS DA RULES. YOU DEAF OR WHAT?"
T he Babooze finally stopped and slowly turned to face the clubhouse, all the staring eyes, and the speaker with the microphone. He cupped his hands and then yelled back loudly: "WILL DA LOLO WIT DA BIG MOUTH AND DA MICROPHONE SHUDDUP DA MOUTH AND LET ME PLAY DA SECOND SHOT ?"
A babooze walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist says that they don't sell rectum deodorant... and that in fact he's never heard of it before.
T he babooze assures the pharmacist that he has been buying the stuff from this store for years and needs some more.
" I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
" But I always get it here," says the babooze.
" Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist.
" Yes!" said the babooze, "I'll go home and get it."
T he babooze returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
A nnoyed, the babooze snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Babooze burglar."
A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
T he doctor replies, "Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
T he woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he’s a Babooze!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what’s the girl’s name?"
" Denise," the doctor says.
T he new mother thinks, "Wow, that’s not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
T hen she asks the doctor, "What’s the boy’s name?"
T he doctor replies, "Denephew."
Q: Why don't Baboozes have hemorrhoids?
A: Because they're perfect assholes.
A babooze hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of his index finger shot off.
" How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked him.
" Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the babooze replied.
" What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
" No, Silly!" the babooze replied. "First I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
" So then?"
" Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
COMPUTERS
c:windows
c:windowsrun
c:windowscrash
Click and point, click and point, click and point, click and boom: The Dangers of Computer Roulette. (I Need Help, by V. Lee).
A language instructor was explaining to her class that the French nouns, unlike their English counterparts are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil', she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.
P uzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
T he group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
& nbsp; l. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
& nbsp; 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
& nbsp; 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
& nbsp; 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
T he men, on the other hand, decided computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
& nbsp; l. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
& nbsp; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
& nbsp; 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
& nbsp; 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. She opened the box, looked in, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A s the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut. Angrily, she stomped back into the house.
L ater, as the man was blowing grass off his driveway, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man shut off his blower and asked her, "Is something wrong?"
A nd she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
Q: How did Bill Gates accumulate all of his wealth?
A: By never spending more than $3 on a haircut.
T his memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor!
" Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
B efore proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
B all removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
M ouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
I t is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
A ny customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items."
WARNING ALERT:
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your tits, DO NOT show him your tits.
T his is a scam.
H e is only trying to see your tits.
BEWARE OF THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:
THE AL GORE Virus....
(Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)
THE CLINTON Virus....
(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
THE LEWINSKY virus...
(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
THE RONALD REAGAN virus....
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
THE MIKE TYSON virus....
(Quits after two bytes)
THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....
(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200mb)
THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...
(Deletes all old files)
THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...
(Disks can no longer be inserted)
THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...
(Only attacks minor files)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)
CONFUCIUS SAYS
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run in back of car get exhausted.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
DRINKING
Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender asks, "Can I help you?"
The duck says, "Yeah! Get this guy off my ass!"
-24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.
T he man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
T he man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
-One tequila,
two tequila,
three tequila,
floor.
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
" Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
J ohnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and quickly responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
One of the reasons the Pilgrims stayed in Philadelphia rather than continue on to their original destination in Virginia, was that they had run out of beer. (True fact).
M urphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
M cQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
" S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
" Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
D uring a DUI crackdown, a police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
F inally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
T he police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
" I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
" Here's to spending the rest of me life
B etween the legs of me wife!"
T hat won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
S he said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said,
" Here's to spending the rest of me life
S itting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.
T he next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."
S he said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
I nto a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little bastard O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
A n Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
" So," asks the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
" Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
" Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
T he drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side, either."
T wo shipwrecked men are stranded in a lifeboat, dying from thirst, when a genie lamp floats by, the first man picks up the bottle, rubs it, and a genie appears, saying that they can have one wish.
T he man says, "I wish the ocean was made of beer!" Poof, the ocean turns to beer!
T he second man says, "you stupid fool."
" Why?" he asks.
" Because now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
You can enjoy a beer all night long.
A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football.
When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
Beer is never late.
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
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